📚心得【黑暗的速度】 ｜Review《Speed of Dark》by Elizabeth Moon, 2002

#2003星雲獎得主 #自閉症 #認知與人格 #難道我也是?

本來以為自己翻開的是一本科幻故事，結果讀起來卻是讓我不停點頭贊同的心靈雞湯、自我發現之旅。

如果你被告知生病，但你已經以生病的狀態活了半輩子，這個病也形塑了你的人格，也完全能靠這個人格過相對正常的生活，你被告知能透過治療變回「正常人」，你會接受治療嗎？一個自閉症患者，要是在治療後成為一般認定的正常人，那之後他還是同一個人嗎？而如果成為了正常人，那過去自閉症的自己又是誰呢？原本的你會就此消失嗎？人，或者說人的存在，究竟取決於什麼？正常又是誰定義的呢？

之所以看這本書，是在星雲獎的清單上瞄到，這個標題又和知名的科幻小說《黑暗的左手》有些相像，但其實這本書沒有太多劇情與科幻的成分，比較類似《獻給阿爾吉儂的花束》，幾乎100%的篇幅都著重在自閉症(比較像是情感與情緒上的障礙，邏輯與智慧上並沒有問題)面對各種事情的思考方式、因自閉症而受到的社會壓力，與治療前後的情緒、人格、邏輯改變。

說真的，讀這本書的期間，意外的發現自己的思考模式與會思考的一些東西其實和自閉症的患者有些類似 😅 但又很確定自己頂多有些亞斯，遠沒有到達自閉的程度。

作品中的主角非常著迷於「規律」，而這使得他在音樂、電腦編程、擊劍等項目上非常天才，能輕易聽出貌似死板、重複的樂曲背後隱藏的旋律變化，擊劍運動時也能從旁看出選手們遇到特定刺激時會做出的直覺反應；同時卻對人的表情變化毫無頭緒，因為每個人的五官都有所差異，非長期相處或盯著看根本看不出規律，加上自閉症影響，不太會去盯著他人的臉，大多是從肢體動作與聲音判斷。

不會去看他人表情這點和我蠻像的，從小就覺得盯著別人臉看有些不尊重，好像是在審視、評論他人的長相，以前有段時間也會因為看著別人臉被吼"看三小"，所以走路都看著地上，從他人腰部以下的動作去判斷位置、動作與走向；生活規律、固著至極，都能完美預測自己下星期的幾點自己正在做什麼；經常會思考人為何要那麼在意食物的味道與外觀，以動物的角度來看，吃得營養、衛生、能下嚥、吸收好比食物價錢、稀缺、擺盤等重要得多，衣服、背包等日用品嚴格說來也是，首先要有達到衣物舒適耐用等功能，再來才要求外觀，而名牌許多時候只是價錢上的累贅(看牌子，也些牌子是品質保證)，看他人穿名牌、開名車就會直覺認為這人不是愛面子就是盤子。類似的視角還有許多，不少都與自閉症的主角不謀而合。

總的來說，整個故事雖然蠻無聊的，但若自己也是同樣性格的話，讀起來會有許多「啊我也會這樣做」的共鳴點。

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IMO總分：65分，實際上不該給那麼高，也不是自己平常愛的科幻小說，但感覺能從主角身上看到自己的高共鳴度普作。

核心思想：★★★☆☆ 核心討論議題是否有趣*5

劇情細節：★★☆☆☆ 綜觀整體劇情的質與量*4

角色刻畫：★★★★★ 角色群的必要性與深度*3

科學軟硬：★★★★★ 是否符合現實物理現象*3

結局滿意：★★☆☆☆ 結局滿意度與有無回餘韻*3

易讀程度：★★★☆☆ 閱讀時章節是否難消化*2

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#2003_Nebula_Award_Winner #Autism #Highly_Resonant?

Originally, I thought I was diving into a sci-fi story, but what I found instead was a heartfelt spiritual journey of self-discovery that made me nod in agreement throughout.

If you were told you have an illness, but you've been living your whole life in that "ill" state, and this condition has shaped your personality, allowing you to lead a relatively normal life through it, would you choose accepting a treatment for it? If someone with autism goes through a surgery to become "normal," would they still be the same person afterwards? And if they do become neurotypical, what happens to the autistic self they once were? Do their past self disappear entirely? What defines a person or their existence, and who gets to decide what's "normal"?

I picked up this book because I noticed it on the Nebula Award list. Its title reminds me of the famous sci-fi novel 《The Left Hand of Darkness》, but honestly, this book isn't packed with much plot or sci-fi elements. It's more like 《Flowers for Algernon》, focusing almost 100% on autism. Specifically, how someone with emotional and social challenges (but no issues with logic or intelligence) thinks and copes. It explores the societal pressures they face and how their emotions, personality, and reasoning change before and after treatment.

Surprisingly, while reading this book, I realized that some of my thinking patterns are actually quite similar to those on the autism spectrum, though I'm pretty sure I'm just neurodivergent in minor ways, nowhere near severe autism levels.

In the story, the protagonist is deeply fascinated by "patterns," which enables him to excel in music, computer programming, fencing, and other areas. He can easily discern the underlying changes in melodies hidden within seemingly rigid and repetitive musical pieces; during fencing matches, he can observe how competitors instinctively react when faced with specific stimuli. However, he has no idea how to interpret changes in human expressions because everyone's facial features are different, thus there's no fixed pattern. Without getting along with someone for long periods of time or staring at others' face intently, it's hard to spot any patterns for a specific individual. Also because of his autism, he doesn't often focus on people's faces, instead relying more on body language and voice tone to make judgments.

Not looking at others' expressions is something I can relate to a lot. From a young age, I felt that staring at someone's face was disrespectful, as if I were examining or criticizing their appearance. There was even a period when I was scolded for "staring at someone's face" and ended up walking with my head down, judging people's positions and movements based on actions below their waist; my life is extremely rigid and predictable as well. I'm able to accurately forecast what I'll be doing at specific times next week. I often wonder why people care so much about the taste and appearance of food. From an animal's perspective, getting proper nutrition, staying clean, and being able to eat and digest well are far more important than price, rarity, or presentation on the dish. The same logic applies to clothing and accessories: first and foremost, they need to be comfortable and durable; aesthetics come second. Many brands are just expensive burdens (though some are quality guarantees). When I see others wearing branded clothes or driving luxury cars, I immediately think they're either show-offs or have a lot of money to waste. There are similar perspectives like this, many of which align well with the autistic protagonist's way of thinking.

Overall, the story is pretty dull, but if you share the same personality as the protagonist, you'll likely find yourself nodding along with sentiments like "Ah, I would do that too."

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IMO Rating:65. Score should have been lower, as this isn't exactly my cup of sci-fi tea, but if you're interested in exploring themes of identity and societal expectations for autism, this might be worth a read.

Core Theme: ★★★☆☆ (*5)

Plot Quality: ★★☆☆☆ (*4)

Character Development: ★★★★★ (*3)

Science Validity: ★★★★★ (*3)

Ending Satisfaction: ★★☆☆☆ (*3)

Readability: ★★★☆☆ (*2)